Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
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DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.