[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
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If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
No, YOUR illiterate.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.