BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
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god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Good morning
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.