In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
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Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
it’s a van. how do they not know this
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.