Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
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Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.