My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
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Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too