Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
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I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.