*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
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[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!