[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
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My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Pickled cat.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.