Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
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[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit