Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
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On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
My birthstone is kidney
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.