Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
You Might Also Like
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”