Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
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evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
I’m awake but I object,
Who called it baking and not making love
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”