I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
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BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Welcome
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.