A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
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If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken