is this a threat
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Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
I have two kinds of followers