Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Why am I like this?
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*