Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
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Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.