Before & after 😅
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I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
That time Alicia messaged me
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us