Boy: call me daddy đ
Me:
You Might Also Like
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess thereâs no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you donât know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it wonât happen again.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day canât get any wor
âMy god,â the explosives specialist says. âThe bombâs diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!â
I slowly look up. My time has comeâŚ
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Iâm being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priestâs house…
Thereâs no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
My husband claims Iâm driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything Iâve driven them to.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: âA nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.â Hmm, cool. Didnât know that.
6: *thinking* SoooâŚMommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
WHY ISNâT THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!đ
*links to story on mainstream media site*
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughterâs going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I donât want to keep a duck for $5.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldnât sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.