Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
You Might Also Like
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
spicy snake
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.