The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
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Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Self-cleaning conscience
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.