Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
You Might Also Like
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
How can I say no to this ?
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
I was up all night reading about insomnia
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down