Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
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1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Happy Star Wars day!
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.