Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
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I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2