I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
You Might Also Like
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?