I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
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Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
my one true gender
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh