I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
You Might Also Like
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I know this now 😂
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING