“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
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The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!