(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
You Might Also Like
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.