Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
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Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
#oldknees
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?