You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
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me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
“Wait, let me explain..”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.