*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
You Might Also Like
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.