There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
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Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth