I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
You Might Also Like
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
i can’t wait that long
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Ron is short for Aaronald
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”