Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
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A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.