I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
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If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
knights of the ikea table
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
hi why am I like this
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.