“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
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Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans