18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
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I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I cannot call her anything else now
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.