Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
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Pizza is an emotion right?
bugs when you lift up a rock
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.