The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
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“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
sistine chapel
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied