{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
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Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
what the
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way