Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
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Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
me, too, girl. me, too.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.