Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
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my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
The Compass
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls