alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
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How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Banking tips
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad