People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
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When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars