ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
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Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”