I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
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Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
titanic
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky