GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
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I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
But is it really??
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon