14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
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“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Thursday Thought.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*